Written by Allison Lefkowitz, LMFT
After days, months, or even years of discussing, fighting, crying or even seeking professional help we have decided to break it off with our partner. We’ve deleted them from our Facebook, erased them from our phone, and have even performed a ceremonial burning/purging of all things them. That’s right, we have decided, We Are Officially Done! We plan on living our next Saturday night partner free until we can find someone worthy of our time and energy.
But then at 3 am, we get a text…from them…asking to come over. They are drunk and miss you and they just wants to come over to “talk.” You hesitate for a moment, because yes, you are broken up, but what harm can a little conversation do? Your head screams, “No! They are bad for you! They are a workaholic/alcoholic/sexoholic demonic a-hole!” But your heart has other things to say. “They just wants to talk…They will just come over for a little while… I have self control, what could happen?” Your loneliness continues to override your better judgment and you text back “yes.” They arrive, conversation leads to kissing, kissing leads to some harmless heavy petting, harmless heavy petting leads you to peeling your underwear off the floor the next morning. They leave without a word. You think, “This was a one time thing, it will never happen again.” But as the weeks pass a one time thing turns into a two time thing, then a three time thing and eventually we find ourselves in a regular hook up schedule. The boundaries of the relationship are no longer clear and we are confused, angry and sad. We know we shouldn’t be doing this, but it just feels so damn good! Unfortunately, you have found yourself in a “Grey Period.”
The “Grey Period” is a phase that couples sometimes find themselves where they are no longer in the white light of their relationship, or the darkness of a break-up; but rather a weird, fuzzy in-between stage whether the relationship boundaries are no longer clear.
If you find yourself in a grey period, this usually calls for a reexamination of the relationship, your motivation for breaking up, and your reasons for wanting to keep seeing each other. After this is done and all signs still point to break-up, then you must remain broken up! Breakups can be a dark lonely time for many, but if you continue to live in this world of grey, you may never get to experience the white light of a new, healthy relationship.
I wish I had the chance to live in the grey area.
He just upped and left and would never speak to me again, wouldn’t even look at me if we saw one another somewhere.
We were both middle aged people around 50 years old. Both of us never married, no kids. I thought “this is finally it. I’m getting married!”.
After 4 years, he did not come to the same conclusion.
My work fell apart, I stopped taking care of my apartment,
I stoped going on dates. I have been alone for 7 years.
I feel like I will never recover from this experience.
I am a daughter of divorce with two parents who were at odds with one another and not so supportive as parents.
Like I said, I am not the same woman I once was. It was a very heartbreaking experience for me.